I have a secret...and I'm not sure I'm going to share it...

One of my favorite things in the whole world is listening to live music. Not just any music...it must be good, catchy, cozy, and comfortable....special, even. And I don't get to do it very often...mostly because I'm 29 and I get tired...

But...I have just arrived back home from the most perfect concert event I've experienced in a very long while. It was lovely, and relaxing, and energizing, and intimate. The music and the venue were sitting hand - in - hand...and it was an amazing evening. And it's a fairly new venue...and it's clean...and small...and different from any other place I've ever been.

I must say that as I go on about this special little place, I hesitate...hesitate to share my secret haven. For fear that all of you will want to see it too...and lots of strangers crowding up your haven...this is something nobody wants...

I almost long to tuck it in my pocket and hold it close...to take the knowledge of it wherever I go...but tell no one...

But...if you promise to only share it with one or two of your closest and coolest friends, I will give you the name...but please, please, be very careful with the information...I hate when good things get ruined...

http://www.bendstudio.com/

Smoking cigars and saying good-bye...written: June 11, 2007

Going back to a place past is a strange sensation. Especially when it's been an extended amount of time since you explored this long ago place. And even though it's been almost a lifetime, and you're not at all that same person you once were, those old ghosts are still there. They still roam around that place and are more than a little bit close to being visible.

I'm sitting in one of my past places…and I feel as if I were to close my eyes, that girl laughing next to me would be my sweet, old friend, here to meet me to have a chat and some coffee. This old familiar place has a way of bringing back memories that have been lost within me for years. Like the time we smoked cigars on the coffee shop patio, way, way, way after it had closed. And the time we talked and talked and talked, and our hearts finally said good-bye. And I say we…it's sort of a collective 'we' because so many people make up that time…fill up that place. So many 'we's' that I've forgotten…they have a way of running back to me here.

Things change. Life happens. And people grow, or don't…but nothing ever stays the same for long. And once there's a change, it can't be unchanged. It's a fact. I know this…and I don't even mind this. It's almost what means we're living.

But it is nice…if even for a moment…to be that girl again…waiting for her friend…in her favorite jeans and flip-flops…a journal and sketch book under her arm…wondering what the day holds.

Nightmares...written: June 07, 2007

What do you do when your worst nightmare...the thing that makes your heart begin to pound...that thought that makes you unable breath...the kind of thing you're sure would end you...end the life you've grown to treasure...that would just undue you, almost to the point of never being done up again. What do you do when it happens?

And when it happens, it happens so fast. It's not something you can prepare yourself for...nightmares, by their very nature, leave no time for preparation...

And then it's gone. It's happened...and you're left there looking at it's back. And yet you're still standing...and still breathing...and you can still feel your heart beating in your chest.

And life goes on. It moves forward...whether you're with it or not. And the rest of the world...they sit and sip on their cups of coffee.

Why are there nightmares? Why do they sometimes sneak up on us and show up in our waking days? Are they necessary? Could they be good, even?

We've lived through what scared me to my brink. What would make me sweat and panic...just at the thought. And we're still living. And He's still here...still true...still good...still sweet. And maybe, through this slightly nightmarish time, there's a bit more of truth, of goodness, of sweetness in me...a bit more of Him in me. And for that...maybe this nightmare is a necessity...

The year of the 30's...written: May 18, 2007

A close friend just turned 30. She and I...along with another close friend...had dinner last week. We began to talk about the ridiculous question that swirls around you at this 'life juncture', "Are you where you thought you would be?" (...don't ask her this question...she might hit you...)

The question seems odd to me. Annoying...and odd. I'm not sure I thought about where...or who...I would be when I turned thirty. And what good does it do, really...to ponder this question? It changes nothing...and what if I'm not where I thought I would be? Then what? A big margarita...that's what...

Our conversation wandered to, "If you did nothing that you had done, what would you do?" What would you do? If I hadn't moved to San Antonio, I would have stayed in New Jersey...stayed involved in theatre...and maybe made it to Broadway. If and hadn't done this thing or that thing...what then?

Who would I be? Who would I have known and loved? Would I have been loved...and by whom? Would I know peace and happiness? Would I have this simple life I now love?

Kind of makes me think...kind of makes me wonder...kind of makes me thankful for all the twists and turns that have made up me.

And, please, when a girl's about to turn thirty (which a lot of us will do...all too soon)...just let her do it...don't make her think about it...
She's much happier that way.

Some things...written: April 15, 2007

one...I love to write. It helps my head and heart to understand one another...and I need to do it more.

two...Music moves me almost more than anything else. I love to listen to it and to actually do it. And I'm learning everyday that it has a significant place in my life.

three...True, Texas springtime weather makes me happy. I feel a sense of freedom that is unique to that particular time. And while I'm on it...I don't like when the weather messes around...in April, it needs to be springtime and nothing else. I get stressed otherwise...

four...I know almost every word to every song released between 1955 and 1975. I know the recording artists, too...and with most, I can estimate when they were released. It's something I pride myself on. How can I memorize all of this and forget some of the most important truths in life?

five...I'm amazed at how my life has been fashioned...how opposite things have ended up than what I dreamt and mused they would be...and how utterly delighted I am that they have. It's quite surprising to myself...

six...I think people's perspectives are amazing. How one can see a thing or visit a place and have an completely opposite response than myself? How can I love, love, love something...and then meet someone else who sees it as ugly or unpleasant? How does that happen?

seven...I love when my husband walks into the room while I'm writing and I get to read him my thoughts and listen to his thoughts on them. It's special that I get to do that and I love when it happens.

eight...I love this little town that has become my home. I love the incredible people I've found in it. And I love that, even while it's a slightly small, kind of dusty old place...it holds more charm, talent, and dignity than I've ever seen.

nine...I still, after all this time, have a bit of a wandering heart. A train is rolling through town and, in my mind, it's an old time train carrying old time people (and most of them are wearing hats and carrying hat boxes full of treasures) embarking on a new life. And, although I love my life, sometimes I wish that were me.

ten...Sometimes I feel like there are too many thoughts in my head...and they sort of dart around with no direction or sense of purpose. And then another one comes and gets tangled in the first. And then a third tumbles in...and the first, instead of being released, gets stacked upon and stomped on...and then things start to look fuzzy.

And so I get this...a list of thoughts that have been swimming for awhile...that just needed a place to go. And they landed here.

Some new me...written: January 19, 2007

Some things amaze me. Like how a clean kitchen, to me, means a clean house. And how a new journal makes everything that is wrong with my world right again. And how, when it rains, no matter what, jazz music playes in my head...and it makes me want to snuggle.

I went shopping yesterday. And I don't shop...the mall can be an alarmingly stressful place (and I happen to be in retail...figure that one out). And for a flip-flops and t-shirts kind of girl..it was an experience...amazing...

I begin my new job on Monday. Selling jewelry...(and I mean JEWELry...diamonds and gems...oh my!) And I still look like a little girl...and sometimes, I feel it too. And I don't know that these Dallas women would want to buy thousands of dollars worth of jewelry from a child...

So, this shopping experience...turns out I'm not a child. Turns out, I am a grown-up...an almost 29 year old grown-up. And I can still feel like myself...artsy and a little bit bohemian...but be a grown-up nonetheless.

And it's okay...it's not so scary to let those flip-flops go (although next summer they will find their way back to me. This letting go...it's my attempt at a metaphor. How am I doing?) It's not so scary to turn 29 (even though it means 30 is practically staring me in the eye balls)

And what amazes me most...it turns out it kind of feels good!

A little catch up....

First of all...what in the world? A lot has changed since I last posted...it's a whole new world! Second...I'm so sorry I have not been posting here lately. I've been writing...just not here! So...let me catch you up...

Walking Out...

(Written January 11th)

Life, typically, has twists and turns. Slings and spills. Puzzles and peculiarities. But it usually has a way of straightening itself out...eventually. But how long must I wait until things are straight? And how long must I wonder and hover...as this rug that I live on swiftly scoots it's way out from under me?

I am unemployed. For almost a week now, although the situation has yet to feel real. I was not fired (although I'm sure my former boss was glad to see me go) and it wasn't even that I didn't like my job (although I have been happier)...it was in response to something that was wrong. Unethical...immoral...illegal. And that...I've never been faced with that.

So, what does one do when that illegal something is staring them in the face? All of my moments of moral grandeur come flooding over me as that question looms, "Now what are you going to do?" And it's not an easy question...even in the black and white. It's not a comfortable question...and there are no comfortable responses to it. So when left with the choice of doing what is right or doing what is less messy...what does one do?

I left.

No job. No alternatives. No place to go. And no money...

And yet, there's a sense of peace in it. Peace does not, however, make it any less messy...but there's a rest, even still.

And the funny thing is...in these last 3 weeks...I've learned a lot. About desires. About my courage. About my strength.

And that...well, it almost makes this crazy ride worth something.

Bumbling and Bubbling

(Written January 3rd)

Anticipation is a funny thing. For me, it's caught somewhere between the good and the bad of it. It catches my breath and holds it...pumps my heart just a touch faster...kind of causes a tremor of a sensation to bubble up from my toes to my head. And my head...it does a number on my poor head...

And it seems that, no matter the object of such anticipation...the reaction remains the same.

But what about right now? What about this moment? How much do I, while in my anticipatory glaze, glaze right over? And is there a balance to be found...dancing between peace, patience, and purpose?

As my thoughts bumble around within me, I attempt to sit still. And everything does sit still, with the exception of my feet and my heart...they have a way of never being stilled...a mind of their own, you could say.

So, what do I do now? Dance, I suppose...

Stressful Times

(written December 29th)

I love the rain. It kind of has a way of making the world pretty and shiny again. I'm thankful for it today...it was good.

It's amazing what stress can do to a person...or maybe just me. After muddling through one of the most stressful days I've had in a long time...I have gotten sick. Fever and yuckiness everywhere. And then to add insult to injury...my cat, in an attempt to cuddle...jumped on my face and clawed me. I now have two huge scratches (ok...maybe not so huge...but definently big enough to catch your eye and make you think "ick" Do people think, "ick'?) across my lip.

And after bawling my eyes out...I mean sobbing so hard I couldn't breath...I began to feel better. The knots that were rolling around in my stomach began to roll away. The tension that had lodged in my lower back...well it began to lessen. I don't feel totally normal...but better.
I know that what is there to deal with is still there...and it won't be any easier...but somehow my spirit has let it go...and is beginning to heal.

How does this work exactly? How do I handle stress...or not handle it? And what makes one thing draw such a response over another? How much of this is within my control, and how can I handle it better?

Sometimes all of this thinking makes me sleepy....

Wecome to my house...

It rained yesterday for the first time in...I can't remember how long. It was refreshing. I sat on our porch...reading...watching our adopted family of kitties...just watching things get wet. It was lovely. I can't wait until we actually have grass that can benefit from the rain...right now it is a sad, sad little yard. The bushes that were clearly once loved have dried up. Next spring...we will bring life to them once again!
The kitchen is the room that has been the most work and the one that is almost done. My sweet husband is hanging a black wrought iron pot rack from the ceiling to hang over the stove. (He's hanging as we speak...or write...and things keep banging around...makes me a bit nervous!) I love to stand in the middle of the room and just look around. It all makes me smile!
The little bitty on the left is warming up to me a bit. He's a curious little cat and always stretches his neck to peek into our house. For whatever reason (I fear it was delirium from exhaustion...it was 1am) I wondered what would happen if he actually did come in the house. So I let him in...and as he meandered further in, the little calico shot in after him. And then they panicked. There was running and jumping...things crashing and flying. Brad, the cats, and I were all running in circles after eachother...with Bradley yelling, "What did you do?" Everytime I tried to shoe them out the door, they would run at the sight of me. Now I know what happens when they come inside...and I will be sure to never do that again!
This is among my favorite additions to the house. I feel very '1920's...simple living...quaint cottage girl' when doing the laundry now. And I especially feel this in my cute little polka-dot vintage skirt I found yesterday. I feel the need to tell of the dots...since they are missed in the picture. But fear not...they are there in all their 'polka-dot cuteness'!

Too long...

So, the move is now behind us! It seemed a smoother process than moves past (too many moves in my past...) and we managed to do it all (plus enjoy a party) in only 3 days!
We've sort of hit a wall with the unpacking bit...we still are not done painting. It's so close to completion...I can almost feel what it will be like to be settled again and I can't wait!

Brad put the computer together last night (after finally receiving our modem in the mail!) I had no idea how much I would miss our little computer! I missed a week of Self Portraits and I haven't been able to blog in ages!

So, in my absence...here's what's taken place:

1. There is a family of 5 cats (the mama, the dad, and 3 little babies) that love my porch! The previous owners fed them, so I've somehow taken up that torch. Oh...and they hate me. I feed them and they hiss...it's always a lovely dance we do...

2. I got to see my cousin last weekend. I hadn't seen him in about 10 years, so it was almost like seeing a completely different person! He's from Canada, lives in California, and travels lots. It was so fun spending time with him...it made me wish we could be closer to my Canadian/California family!

3. I did my first craft fair! It was last Saturday, and I shared a 'booth' with my friends Keri and Shelly. I didn't sell a thing (accept a card set to Keri...does it count when you sell them to your friends?)...but it was fun spending the day with them!

4. Brad and I sat in the new Honda Element while Jeremy and Shelly were buying their new van...and now we want one...

5. I've discovered 2 new bands (that is...new to me...) One is called The Lucksmiths...and they are so fantastic! Brad has been listening to them for a long time...sometimes it takes me a little while to decide that I like something! The 2nd is Camera Obscura...and I think I mentioned them in a previous post! They are from Scotland (why is almost every band that I adore from Scotland?) and their music makes me smile!

6. Has this ever happened to you? I was pumping gas into my car yesterday. I just left the pump to do it's thing and there I sat in the drivers seat, chatting idly on the phone. As I glance in my rear view mirror, to my horror, I see gasoline spewing from my car! I mean crazy...spraying...going everywhere! I jump out...into a puddle of gas...yes, a puddle! I see an employee of the station strolling towards me, as I'm splashing in the gasoline, screaming, "I don't know what to do!!" He then steps it up to a jog and grabs the handle to disconnect and stop the steady stream. In my panic, I ask, "What do I do? Just put the gas cap on and go on normally?" He then quips, "Well, you can't take the gas out!"

NOTE: Do not be sarcastic with a girl as she is standing up to her ankles in a flammable liquid. It will not go over well.

Brad and I ended up going back to try to get a refund...turns out I pumped $55. dollars worth of gas and our tank only holds about $30. I washed off my car and got my refund and everything is okay...but the inside of my car still stinks...

7. I just found out that my 10 year high school reunion is next month. I only went there for one year...my senior year...and it was not a good year for me...do I willingly go back? There are about 3 people I would love to see...is it worth it? Thoughts, anyone?

Hope to post some pictures soon...the printer has yet to come to life again. Maybe tomorrow? 

Things...

Redoing my journal...after writing in it for almost an hour. Wandering around the square (but only because there was a delivery van parked right behind me, making it impossible for me to leave! Not really my fault!)...snapping pictures of the pretty flowers. And incidentally, how are these flowers doing it? It's been over 100 degrees for like 5 days now! And my little potted plants are having a very hard time...and don't look nearly as chipper as these!

Chatting with the Canadian cousin online...going to lunch with the lovely husband...to the yummiest Asian place in town!
So, at what point does harmless procrastinating become all out avoidance?

SPC #3 'Self Portrait as...free'

You know those moments where stress has all but taken you down? There are so many things to think about...so many things to do that haven't been done...that should have been done? And you find yourself wandering around your half-way packed house not sure what to do, or where quite to dive in? You pick something up...and then put it down. And grab for some other thing...and then put it down again in the other room?

And then a really good song comes on...and stops you where you are...and all you can do is dance?

This is me...in that moment...with Camera Obscura (the particular song is 'Let's Get Out of This Country' and I dance every time I hear it!) I was spinning around, arms flying, jumping up and down, and feeling lighter than I have in weeks.

It was a really good time...