It was a lovely afternoon...
So, I learned something about myself today. I'm a bit uncomfortable being alone in public...although alone in private is one of my favorite activities. I found myself feeling a bit awkward as I walked through our square...down the walk to a new boutique I wanted to investigate. I felt almost as if everyone else around me (all 3 of them) sat in anticipation...almost begging me to trip and fall...
Which I did, as my flip-flopped foot stepped boldly off a very (really, inordinately...) high curb that was painted a friendly turquoise. Even in it's shining color...I don't like it...
I can sit in a coffee shop and read for hours (which I did promptly after falling down that mountain of a step...incidentally...right into the street...) I feel comfortable...safe...there in that place. I'm armed, so to speak...I have my book, or some kind of reading material. I'm occupied...focused...distracted from what's going on about me...
Where do these fears come from? When did this fear first take root in my heart? What was it that did it? I don't remember being this way...I don't think I've felt these feelings in some time.
Does it take practice to master the art of being alone with others? Is this something that must be tended to...cultivated...reared within a person? Maybe that's it...I'm just out of practice. I haven't excercised that muscle in a long time...maybe too long. So, I'll do it again...and again...and again...
And maybe then I can be graceful when faced with the next turquoise curb, and I can shake his hand. Or maybe I can just relax into me...that would be good too...
4 Comments:
Oh Precious! You fell down. See, I still want to fix all the scuffs and protect you from falling. You are SO gregarious. You are alone in the moment only as long as you choose to be. You can easily take up conversation with anyone you chance to meet - you're gifted that way. Choosing to be solitary is not your natural bent. I love all the growth in your life!
When I find myself in a situation like that I think it's best just to laugh! :) Then pick myself up and gather my pride...
I am very much a people watcher, so I am too busy watching other people to notice if they are watching me.
You have a quiet strength about you, I am sure you will do wonderfully in the future with being alone.
It WAS a lovely day though, wasn't it??
i remember the first time i ever took myself out to eat alone. i felt like everybody was staring at me and when the hostess said "will there just be one" i wanted to crawl under the table. i wish i said "one is enough" but i didn't. but i kept doing it. i kept facing the fears. and now...no big deal. i think my fears stemmed from school and being worried that there would always be someone to sit by me in the cafeteria because if you were alone you were scoffed at. good for you for taking this risk and it has been my experience that it does get easier with practice. and so sorry to hear about the fall. that's always uncomfortable whether you are with someone or not. hope you're not too banged up.
Delurking...
I love this entry. :) "Does it take practice to master the art of being alone with others?". Yes, I think so.
Keep practicing...
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